By: Jojo Greenzaid
Once upon a time, in a city far, far away, a young golden-haired girl named Jojo had fluorescent blonde locks that sparkled in the glowing sunlight. But one ominous day, Jojo was cursed with a frightful curse called puberty. One by one, Jojo’s yellow locks lost their golden luster, and faded into a head full of her worst nightmare: Dark. Brown. Hair. Desperate to become a blonde once more, Jojo sought the help of a fairy godmother, who gave her a brilliant idea called highlights. A combination of destiny, bleach and highlights helped Jojo to banish her dreaded brunette locks once and for all. Here ye here ye, Thirty Seventh has summoned the golden-haired Jojo, who would henceforth be declared a bottle blonde, to provide necessary insights on how to achieve happily ever after as an artificial blonde.
*Sparknotes Version: When I was younger, I had blonde hair, which turned darker as I aged. Now, I’m a die-hard bottle blonde – and I couldn’t be happier. Read on for some tried-and-true tricks from your favorite fake blonde: me.
If I’m being honest, I can totally attest to the fact that blondes have more fun. If they didn’t, why would spend my precious time defying my dark brown roots by saturating them in harsh bleaching products? In the past, celebs like Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lawrence, Cara Delevingne and infinite others have all left the dark side (pun intended) and crossed over to the light, AKA the blonde side. Model Kendall Jenner even boasts a platinum blonde wig in the December 2015 issue of Vogue. Cue major public admiration and salon-wide demand for dazzling white-blonde hair.
It all started at age 14. I was looking through old photo albums and realized it had all gone downhill in the looks department. Where did my cute blonde curls go? My mousey brown hair lay flat, lifeless, and bland as ever. I decided to take matters into my own hands and give myself a fashion forward BLONDE STREAK to brighten my look – or so I thought. What I thought was a subtle pop of light blonde let to a much-needed corrective hair color appointment (Thanks, Mom). I left with frosty blonde streaks – my head was a hybrid between a skunk’s stripes and Kelly Clarkson’s highlights circa 2000. Lucky for me, I was able to add some caramel highlights into the mix, which evened out my tone and brought me slightly closer to the blonde locks I craved.
At age 16 I had a revelation: Screw highlights – why don’t I just dye my hair all one color? I saved up my babysitting money, booked a hair appointment behind my mom’s back, and prepared for the best possible outcome – move over, Britney Spears, 16-year-old Jojo is the new Queen of Blonde.
Keep in Mind: Once you go blonde you never go back. As in, once you permanently bleach your hair, you must figure out how to deal with the brown roots that inevitably grow longer and more invasive as weeks go by in between dye jobs. Desperate to maintain my new blonde appearance, I knew I would need a serious system to keep my color in check, and began seeing my colorist every six to eight weeks to refresh my hair color and lighten my roots.This was when the worst occurred: my hair colorist advised me to stop dying my hair after noticing my horrendous split ends and brittle strands. How dare she tell me to stop bleaching my hair? Can I live??? I vowed to never return to the dark side, and took matters into my own hands.
Instead of following my hairdresser’s advice, I took an alternate route and learned how to dye my own roots myself. So far, it has been working out #flawlessly. I touch up my roots every 6 weeks with products readily available at your local CVS, and make sure to religiously deep-condition to counteract any damaging aspect of hair bleaching.
Today, after a myriad of trial-and-error experiments with every “healthy hair” product on the market, I managed to put together a collection of products that I swear by, which keep me blonde and happy. Read on for the Bottle Blonde Product Bible! ☺
For At-Home Dying (Because no one wants to blow their bank at the salon!):
L’Oreal Feria Dye in Very Light Blonde
For Maintenance and Brass-Prevention (Because no one wants orange hair!):
John Frieda Sheer Blonde Shampoo & Conditioner
For Extra Conditioning (Because no wants hair breakage to take over their life):
Bed Head by Tigi Dumb Blonde Reconstructor for chemically dyed hair